Have I Lost All Perspective?

bitmoji1814500902After finishing with chemo I was expecting to have surgery. When I finally saw the surgeon she said she didn’t think it was necessary, which is to say it was no more likely to return to the breast than anyplace else in my body. She sent me for an MRI three weeks or so ago and said she would take the results to tumour board so they could decide on the best course of action. The tumour board met on Tuesday and after not hearing anything by the end of Wednesday I called the surgeon’s office a few days ago expecting to set up an appointment. Instead, the receptionist told me the following;

Scan results – main mass resolved (which I am guessing means gone?)
                   – skin thickening reduced
                   – responded very well to chemo
Appointment plans
     I am now to see the radiation oncologist to discuss possibility of aggressive local treatment ie. breast, lymph nodes and targeted on the rib
     After I see him I am to make an appointment with the surgeon re surgery.

I was completely deflated! I sent the news out to my husband and siblings and they all responded positively. That is to say they saw good news. I only saw starting all over with having no idea what was goig on and dealing with doctors who all had different views. I thought the point of the board was for them to figure out what the hell they will recommend!

I have been trying to get my head around this and I guess it maybe means that they think they can get totally rid of the cancer if they treat it aggressively now, which they had previously said they wouldn’t do because it was stage 4. I guess that would be good, though it feels a little late, or maybe like a total pipe dream!

I wonder if I have lost my ability to see things in perspective! Should I have felt relief from the news? I know there are far worse things I could have heard and many would be annoyed that I am whining about having good results etc.

So I’m back to the limbo situation. I’m waiting for a call re an appointment about radiation. After I have had that, I am supposed to call the surgeon to set up an appointment. I hate this! I hate now knowing what I’m going to be doing, if I can plan things or not!

The end of the world as I know it, but I feel fine!

planaI will begin with apologies to R.E.M for using their lyric as the basis for my title and to readers for being a bit dramatic.

I know that the world isn’t about to end, but my life and future have certainly changed dramatically! The thing is that this change has really happened when I feel totally healthy (ok, other than a breast which is larger and hard with skin that feels like plastic).

I expect that I have taught my last day of my classes at the high school. It is like having retired without any of the planning or preparation. My expectation for this time of year? I had expected to be at work every weekday from 8:00 – 4:00, to be preparing Sunday services for three Sunday’s/month, and all the usual household activities.  Now, most of my days consist of chauffeuring my kids to and from university at their times of preference, waiting for, scheduling and going to have tests and appointments etc.

It is really surreal, especially when filling out forms about terminal illness. How can I have a terminal illness when I feel fine?

No Bucket List?

bucket-listI have been trying to get my head around changes that are happening in my life. I tend to flit from one thing to another. I was sitting with my daughter when I realized, and mentioned to her, that I don’t really have a bucket list. I don’t have a list of things I have always wanted to do and have yet to do. I guess there are a couple places I would like to go. Maybe I have been spoiled and just did what I wanted at the time. My daughter tried to think of things for me and  mentioned Disney…

I have one of those book of lists you can buy and one page of it which I hit a dead end on was the bucket list one. I have plans, which may need to be adjusted. I was supposed to be retiring after 28 years as a teacher and starting seminary next fall to continue training as a Presbyterian minister. On that track I had; finish degree, get a call, be ordained, work as a minister. I’m not sure how buckety that is, but that was it.

If you, like me, wonder where this idea of a bucket list comes from, other than the movie with Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson here is a link to one of many blogs about bucket lists. What is a Bucket List?