Today I find myself at home feeling somewhat as I imagine a caged tiger may. At some point today my case, my test results and medical records will be speaking on my behalf at a meeting to decide on a plan for my future. I don’t like not having control but that is one of the big things that cancer does to us.
So, Tumour Board Rounds are today and my surgeon is taking my case there to discuss whether or not to do a mastectomy. When I met with her after the chemo was done she felt that the tumour may be gone, in which case there didn’t seem to be any particular benefit in surgery. She ordered a scan and added me to the list for the biweekly meeting of the medical and radiation oncologists, surgeons, radiologists etc. at which they talk about cases which are not as straightforward as others.
It is a little different than the usual waiting for results from tests because I know for sure that they are done and in the hands of the doctors but I am not going to be the first after the surgeon to know what the scans showed. Part of me wants to hide under my blankets and try to sleep the day away, part wants to sit by the phone waiting for a call that I don’t even know will come today, part wants to run away altogether, and a last part is thinking that my problems are inconsequential beside the horrors people in Manchester are dealing with today following the suicide bombing. It is rather hard to feel centered when all those parts of me are running in different directions!